Our story opens to the face of the night janitor at Physics Labs Inc., a middle-aged slob named Roger Stone, explaining into a television microphone how he just turned off a machine and a massive hole appeared in the floor of the quantum physics lab. The reporters are mostly skeptical, questioning his story and description of the hole and grilling him about ecoterrorists and the company’s pending sale. Next we cut to a local mall where Victor Jimenez is beginning his presentation at a small convention for monster hunters about his descent into the Pit at Physics Lab Inc. He describes the red fumes wafting from the opening and shows grainy footage of the claw marks along its walls, and the sticky blue ooze upon the floor when they stopped at what seemed to be an underground storage area that smelled strongly of sulphur and didn’t seem like part of the Physics Lab facility. Unable to repel down further, he returned with mysterious gaps in the footage of his GoPro and addresses questions from the audience regarding the blue ooze and rumors that it’s all a government trick. When asked directly what he thinks it is, he claims it’s probably the lair of a giant red saltmander, with its red chitinous shell.
Next we join a press conference being held by Lexi Weblock in the coffee shop where she works, describing her harrowing encounter with the beast in the local park. She keeps mentioning her Etsy shop, but mostly focuses on how everyone was running wildly from the park in fear of the beast eating them like it did that defenseless peanut cart and someone’s pet. She says she only escaped by ducking into a bookstore, where she got a good look at its face with five eyes, the swinging twin tails behind it, and the sidewalk hissing from its acidic drool. Next we have a live AMA with Rex Stiner of whosthemonster.com, who defended the creatures who’ve lived underground and in hidden valleys across the world peacefully until humans encroach on their lands and invade their space poking them with sticks and disturbing their slumber. If we’d only leave these poor creatures alone, they would leave us alone, so humanity ought to pull back into our human enclaves and leave the bulk of the planet to these creatures.
We come to the conclusion to our story by following the conversation on a Reddit thread started by Mr. Bananahands, who claims to have determined that the creature is allergic to peanuts, so we can ward it off with vast amounts of peanut oil, coating the town in it if needed. Many commenters are questioning the logistics and safety of such a plan, but it develops its own momentum by the end and a protest is planned at the governor’s mansion to get help in securing enough peanut oil. Our story ends with Mr. Bananahands after using the peanut plan to drive the beast into the cage, which sits behind the triumphant hero. The plan now is to study the creature before releasing it back into its home and sealing the hole. In the post credits epilogue, we see the monster being lowered into the original hole and hear its voice. It explains to its fellow monsters that humans are interesting creatures and dogs delicious, much better than boring peanuts, so perhaps the upper world is finally ripe for conquest.